self - destruction

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The number doesn't matter. If I got down to 070.00, I'd want to be 065.00. If I weight 010.00, I wouldn't be happy until I got down to 005.00. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.

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I showed her how I'd been making tiny cuts in my skin to let the badness and the pain leak out. They were shallow at first, and short, like claw marks made by a desperate cat that wanted to hid under the front porch. Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care....

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Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” is the wrong question.
Ask “Why not?

-Wintergirls, Laurie Halse Anderson

Notes
about me

details

name: danielle ;; age: 18 ;; grade: senior ;; beliefs: agnostic

favorites

music: alternative, rock, pop-rock, metal, techno, classical, 20s/30s jazz

band: my chemical romance

food: chicken, pasta, steak, korean food, italian food, chicken burritos, tacos, mongolian beef, ect.

books: fiction, fantasy, adventure, mystery ::: wintergirls, a blue so dark, ultraviolet, the perks of being a wallflower, looking for alaska, snow flower and the secret fan, the alchemist, the things they carried ::: ellen hopkins, rick riordan … thousands of books and authors

movies: the nightmare before christmas, howl’s moving castle, blackhawk down ;; action, adventure, horror, suspense, comedy, mystery

colors: purple, black, silver, red, blue

 random: gay rights, harry potter, cologne, driving, dark things,  wiccan things, sweet foods, salt, markers, coloring books, unicorns, ect.

disklikes

music: rap, country, ska, pop

books: non-fiction, some science fiction

movies: twilight (series) ;; chick flicks

colors: brown, orange, yellow, pink

random: animal cruelty, idiots, cheerleaders (most, some are awesome), religion, people who shove religion down others throats, ect.

abilities

sports: gymnastics, diving

creative: drawing, painting, designing (interior/graphic), building (models/clay figures), writer (poetry, stories)

random: modeling, singing, piano, clarinet, psychiatrist (studying to be)

i’m a person who can be very intellectual in a conversation and yet can talk like my friends (to my friends). i love colorful things (although my wardrobe begs to differ xD). i get excited/distracted by things easily. i love to be in the spotlight but is able to stand in the background. i don’t like to come off as shallow/conceded. i hate labels, i think they’re for soup cans. dinosaurs are one of the greatest things ever. i think gays are the cutest couples ever. i love to help people with their problems. i love to create things. i’m extremely picky with everything (food, clothes, boys, friends). i’ve written an entire book and have been trying to get it published. i hate incorrect spelling. i’m a night owl (i hardly sleep). i hate mornings.

this is me and there’s nothing you will ever be able to do about that.


[i love this picture]